Parliament rushes through soccer-style January UKIP transfer window
Nigel Farage was today sensationally wrong-footed as the UK parliament passed legislation to only allow defections from the main political parties to UKIP during the same timeframes as current English...
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Shopkeepers near UKIP leader’s home pretending not to speak English
Shopkeepers and local services in Kent are conspiring not to understand a word that UKIP leader Nigel Farage says whenever he comes into their shops. Rashish Mahmoud, of Mahmoud’s Food & Wine told...
View ArticleCountdown to general election: the nation rejoices
The by-elections in Clacton and Heywood have led to bunting being put up and spontaneous dancing in the streets across the land as it finally dawned on the electorate that a general election is only...
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‘The only way is Essex’ confirms Farage
‘The people have spoken, and we have heard their voices loud and clear,’ said Nigel Farage on the phone after the stunning UKIP victory by Douglas Carswell in the by-election in Clacton on Sea, Essex,...
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Emergency services rehearse for possible major outbreak of UKIP
Every UK emergency service and the border agency took part in a coordinated exercise yesterday to test their readiness if the worst case scenario of UKIP spreading within the country and taking hold in...
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Milliband to try beer
Labour leader Ed Milliband will try beer, allegedly for the first time, in a bid to woo a wider voter profile. ‘One thing I do like about this pint of beer thing is you get so much!’, said Milliband,...
View ArticleMajor police operation after Farage missing from news for ten minutes
Police have said they are ‘desperately concerned’ for the welfare of UKIP leader Nigel Farage after he was reported missing from the news ten minutes ago. ‘This is completely uncharacteristic behaviour...
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Nominations for 2015 spring uprising due in
The United Nations applications deadline for the next country or countries to host a popular uprising expires today, with a wide field of candidates vying for the coveted spring 2015 slot. ‘The annual...
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Farage suggests ‘Casual Racism Fridays’ for UK businesses
Nigel Farage has outlined a new manifesto pledge requesting the support of British businesses to promote their new ‘Casual Racism Fridays’ campaign, which he hopes to see adopted by the vast majority...
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Council removes Lib Dem politician from Tory foster couple
Deputy Prime Minister, Nick Clegg, was today taken into care by Westminster City Council on the grounds that his foster parents, a Mr and Mrs Cameron, belong to a political party with ‘a warped view of...
View ArticleEuropean immigrant report ‘tarnished with facts’ say UKIP
The revelation by University College London that European immigrants have contributed £20 billion more in taxes than they have taken in benefits has been criticised by Nigel Farage as ‘blighted by...
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Mike Read ‘struggling’ with difficult second racist song
Sources close to DJ and UKIP half-time entertainer Mike Read have reported that the writer of ‘UKIP Calypso’ is struggling with the follow-up to the smash hit. ‘Mike doesn’t want to rush genius, but...
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Disaffected UK extremists ‘may not be allowed to re-join the Conservative Party’
The Prime Minister today announced a new raft of measures designed to combat the threat of Britons joining the shadowy extremist group UKIP, including removing the right of those individuals to later...
View ArticleTrumpton constituency “winnable”, say UKIP
The rural seat of Trumpton is ‘totally winnable’ by UKIP, Nigel Farage told reporters after residents of the sleepy Trumptonshire village mounted a protest on Twitter. ‘We honestly thought this...
View ArticleHomeopathic medicines ‘have no homophobic side effects’
Alternative medicine advocates have advised UKIP candidates troubled by headaches to use homeopathic remedies instead of strong analgesics. This followed the withdrawal of the party’s hitherto nice,...
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George Osborne to bring back Rickets
As he rolls back public finance to the 1930s, the Chancellor has announced a return to a golden age of austerity this week. Buoyed by the overwhelming support for his attempt to recreate the Great...
View ArticleUK crime to be made legal
All acts previously considered criminal are to be made legal, the Government has announced today. ‘We’re positively chuffed that our economy has overtaken France’s thanks to prostitution and the ever...
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Election campaigns kick start five months of uninterrupted lying
With fingers crossed, fidgeting and winking to the camera, Prime Minister David Cameron fired the starting pistol to the longest sustained stream of affluent effluent in electoral history. He was...
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Enoch Powell Pound Shop to close
Once a familiar feature of the UK high street, the last remaining branches of Enoch Powell Pound Shop will permanently close their doors this week after a gradual decline in sales. In a statement...
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God, Allah and Jehovah struggle to agree on live TV debate format
Despite increasing strife between their respective followers and the impending Judgement Day in which the sheep may or may not be separate from the goats and the unbelievers may or may not be cast into...
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